ACTUARIAL
Denise Duhamel died yesterday in a flotation tank after a brave battle with Candid Camera. A native of Word Associations, she was educated by emery boards, emollients, and sarsaparilla lawsuits. For twenty years, she was a Profiteer of Enjambment. A member of the Pointillism Society of Ammunition, she worked tirelessly to heighten awareness of pointillism in Scotch mist. She is survived by 832 chimeras (poems) and three monsters (novels). A private service will be held in her horror (she didn’t want to die yet) this Friday in a hologram. Contributions in Duhamel’s memory can be sent to Hacks for Humility.
Denise Duhamel, daughter of balderdash and nutmeg, rose from hunky-dory beginnings to become one of the country’s leading wrongdoers. Duhamel died yesterday after falsifying a fandango outside her home in Might-Have-Been. A record-breaking wrongdoer, she remains the only wrongdoer to receive a coveted Gentility Award that followed years of personal struggles with sidetracks and dowdiness. Duhamel is best known for “Quibble for a Deadbeat,” a book with threadbare copies still in print. Duhamel is survived by her hustler, Nick Carbo, also a wrongdoer. She will be buried this Thursday at a cemetery covered with dandelions.
The French bakery accident that claimed the life of Denise Duhamel on Wednesday afternoon has left her heart-broken French Canadian family in shock. Duhamel, who stopped in the bakery after her French manicure, was enjoying a cup of French roast when tragedy struck. A pack of feral poodles pounced into Jean-Marc’s, overturning tables, gulping up French toast, and nipping at patrons. Several customers escaped through French doors and were treated for stitches, but Duhamel was not so lucky. She was mauled, sustaining multiple deep wounds, and died at the scene. Jean-Marc, the owner of the bakery, extends his deepest sympathy to all who knew Duhamel, especially her husband who will miss her French kisses.
One of the least recognized members of the Nickelodeon School of Pointlessness, Denise Duhamel was world-weary of fads and enthusiasm long before joining the “Nickelodeonettes,” a group that dominated the accounts receivable scene through the 1980s and 90s. Duhamel, whose career with the Nickelodeon School lasted through the mid-2000s, began performing solo clueless actions three years before her death yesterday morning. When asked for comment, Jordon Askew, the Dean of Pointlessness, said, wistfully, that “Duhamel truly lacked any kind of joy de vivre.” Her ashes will be sprinkled over The Mall of America on Saturday.
A deliberate tightwad, self-styled cheapskate, controversial miser, and considered by some as the greatest coupon-cutter of our time, Denise Duhamel died this morning while balancing her checkbook. Duhamel had been diagnosed with a costly illness she chose not to treat. Several dozen relatives, one of whom says he is eager to spend what Duhamel horded all her life, survive her. Monday she will be buried in a cut-rate coffin, as directed by her will which asks those who wish to donate to a cause in her name keep their money and instead invest in low risk mutual funds.
Denise Duhamel recently overcame glossophobia (fear of public speaking) in order to give poetry readings. Earlier in her life, she used hypnosis to fight graphophobia (fear of writing) and hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia (fear of long words) in order to fulfill her career goals. Duhamel never suffered from the more common pogonophobia (fear of beards), and this, according to police reports, may have been her undoing. As she walked to the library early Tuesday morning, Duhamel was killed by an unidentified gunman. Witnesses say the assailant had ferociously wild facial hair and fled the scene in a rusty red pickup.
Last night the artsy-craftsy Denise Duhamel died while sorting through a tin of mismatched buttons. Duhamel had been suffering from complications due to luridness. Rarely in contact with her pubic hair anymore, she had been hospitalized earlier this month for threatening to shoot caretakers with a glue gun. The master behind such classic crafts as “Old Pajama Potholders,” Duhamel and her contributions will not soon be forgotten. She is survived by everyone listed on her “Ghoul Pool,” a favorite game of Duhamel’s in which she and her friends competed to see who could guess who among them would die in the coming year.
Published MiPOesias (Poetry at Sea issue) 2006
Filed under: Flashback, MIPOesias
